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Dec. 21st, 2013

Full update


I didn't manage to put out an update last night, so here goes.

 

I work at McDonald's now. It's great. so much running around, the smell makes me sick and nauseous, I'm on my feet all day.
there's only been about 3 times that I've actually eaten something here.
I live with my boyfriend now, so that's cool.
Last night my waist measured 30 inches, not my goal, but getting closer.

 

So far I've been decent about my diet. I've had a few bad moments, but never went over 1500.

 

Oh, and my work is in a Wal-Mart. So I get to see fatties of both places. I also walk around on my breaks, except on this one since I'm doing this instead.

 

Anyways, can't think of anything else. Kind of thought this would be longer, but eh.

 

Stay strong!

Dec. 20th, 2013

Much, much later

So, unemployment and being in a relationship took its toll on my waistline.
I got up to 155 again. Disgusting.
So, after eating no more than 1200 and mostly under 600 cals a day, I'm down to 145.4.
Not where I was a few months ago, but I have to remind myself that this weight loss has been within the last 2-3 weeks.
I've also been texting my anabuddy after about a month(?) of no updates. She's doing fantastic! I'm so proud of her. She's so close to her weight goal.

I have also decided that I need to set small goals again. I haven't done that in at least 6 months.
To start, 140 by January 1st.
130 by February 1st.
120 by March.
And so on. 10 pounds every month. Obviously if more is lost, it's okay. I want to be 105 no later than June.

I'm going to try my best to stay on the ABC diet, then the Rainbow diet for 2 weeks, and then the Russian Gymnast diet (I found it on pro-thinspo) until I hit my UGW. I'm also going to be popping diet pills and supplements like no other.
I'm still not sure if I want to stop at 105. I've been looking at mybodygallery and girls with my shape still look big at 100.
Maybe it's just me.
Either way, this fat is coming off if it kills me.

If I can keep up with it, I can actually look good in a bikini for once.

Stay strong, I'll update again in more detail when I get home.

Jun. 9th, 2013

How far I've come, and what lies ahead

I was weighing myself and recording the number, 137.4, (my lowest weight yet!) when I remembered that I had a ton of notes I kept during my weight loss. Stats, measurements, diet plans, weight, and best of all, printed thinspo. So I'm going to post my before and after again, but with numbers instead of pictures. :)

The earliest weight I recorded, after already some weight loss and before some more weight gain, was 197 on January 23, 2010. Unfortunately, I don't have the basic measurements because I was way too disgusted with myself and was in a bit of denial.

The earliest measurements start on September of 2010, when I was in the 170 range.
            9/30/2010     6/3/2013 (about 140)
Bust|      43"                    36"
Band|    34"                     30"
Waist|    35"                    27"
Hips|      41"                  37.5"
Thigh|    25"                  21.5"
Bicep|     12"                 10.5"

My waist is almost as much as my thighs used to be!

I hate to make excuses, but a big reason it took this long just to get here: fucking boyfriends. All the stress, the fact that they think chili-cheese dogs is a goddamn snack, letting myself think I was okay not being able to fit most of my clothes, everything. I would lose 10-15 pounds and gain it all back, sometimes more, whenever I started dating.

All of that is going to change. I'm going to literally not be able to binge, basically forced to workout, and when I come back, I'll probably be my goal weight.
I'm going to join the Air National Guard. The physical test before joining is a timed 2 mile run (easy), one minute of push ups, one minute of sit-ups, and abdominal circumference measurement.
The mile needs to be done in under 18 minutes and 42 seconds, I need to do at least 13 push ups, and 47 sit-ups. Those are minimum, but even if you do the minimum, you're likely to not get in, so I'll really have to work hard and go above and beyond! :)
I just need to get better upper body strength and work on sit-ups since I usually only do crunches. Then it's 8.5 weeks of basic training. So a little over two months and I will be so much skinnier!

I will miss my phone and livejournal, but I'm sure you'll all be proud of the results!

I hope I helped inspire someone to keep going for their bones! I know I'll hit 110, maybe even 105, in no time!

Stay strong! <3

Jun. 7th, 2013

How about some before and currents?

Let's start with the before shots. Get a wastebasket, it's gross.


    I think about 170?  10/2010    Still about 170 Summer/2011
1370597113267[1]1370597112992[1]


Around 180? Summer 2010                                God, I'm huge!  Summer 2009?                Another 200+ 2008?
Look how huge my cheeks used to be!Fat gangster?1370597111241[1]


Definitely at least 200 something. 2008             Around 200 something, 2009
I had no business trying to look cute hereJeez, I was huge



And here are the most recent!


  About 150                2/13/2013                                        About 145   1/22/2013
1370597111695[1]1370597112271[1]

Around 140-143? 5/15/2013                   Most MOST recent one (today)- 138
After a 30 minute run
I'm wearing some pants that I got waaaay too fat for, now they fall off ^^^^^^


Most recent full(ish) body- 138-139 5/31/2013                     I'd say I'm doing pretty damn good so far.Off to work          Jeez, I was huge


Stay strong! <3

Jun. 6th, 2013

Out in the field


I didn't get a chance to weigh myself this morning, but I'm hoping it's less than yesterday or at least the same.

 

So far, I've had 3 Tums (15 cals), an oatmeal raisin walnut Clif bar (240), and I've been working on a 32 oz. can of Sweet Lemon Peace tea (150). Still not finding my appetite, but since I'm out running appointments with one of my co-workers, I kind of need to make it look like I don't not eat. I don't need someone catching on that my lack of eating is half on purpose. The other half is just not having an appetite.
It's annoying enough for some friends telling me I need to eat, but, you know, even if I wanted to eat and get fat, I just literally don't have the money to. I don't even have enough for rent next month. I don't even think I have enough for half of my bills/prescription.
It's a scary time for me right now, but at the same time, I'm glad it stresses me out to the point where I physically just cannot eat without feeling sick to my stomach just looking at food.
I just want to disappear. Shrink away from everything and everyone. I just want to stop being here.
Of course, I'm going to do my best to leave behind a pretty bag of bones.

 

Stay strong, my lovelies <3
Layla

Jun. 5th, 2013

Struggling

As of this morning: 138.6

Man, it's been a while since I started this thing.
So much has changed.
I got a new job, went back to school (literally just for the gym), and I've lost more weight.
It's not a big weight loss since I started last August, but it's progress.
I was averaging 154 in August, I'm now averaging about 138-140.
At one point since January, I hit 135.
I just need to keep telling myself, "just 35 more pounds (from 140). You can do it, stay strong. You've come this far, keep going. You can be half of the old disgusting you (was about 210, maybe more, and shooting for 105)."
I haven't been purging though. I was for a while here and there back in like January, but I just haven't had the energy to do it.
I've been trying to stay on top of taking laxatives, but I've been forgetting a lot.
Today I ate less than my limit of 800 calories. Breakfast was two Tums in the morning. I've only just started using them to settle my stomach and I have to say, I'm pretty impressed at how well it eases the few pangs I get. During the day at work, I had 3 Tums, one each time I even thought I heard my stomach growling. When I got home, I had a fairly low-cal tuna sandwich (about 285 cals), a small popsicle, and a small glass of chocolate soy milk just to give myself a little something. Other than that, I only totalled at about 480 calories. I think I've been around/under 1000 cals (about 1500 on weekends when I'm around people) for the last few weeks.
The downside to all of that, I have so little energy and my insomnia makes it nearly impossible to sleep most nights, so that really doesn't help matters much either. Thank Ana for nicotine and my anti-depressants.
If you ever get the chance, get Bupropion as an antidepressant. The side effects are worth the near complete loss of appetite. You get ringing in your ears for a few days as well as some not-unbearably-bad insomnia, but for the most part, I love them.
I tried working out at the gym the other day. Usually I can do some light weight lifting and a 2.5 mile run almost no problem, but I had to stop after forcing myself to do only some weights and 1 mile. During the weights, I was fine, but once I started my run, a few minutes into it, I started to get a bit dizzy and knew that if I went for the full 2.5 miles, I'd end up passing out on the machine, hurting myself, and probably end up in an ambulance. Not to mention the embarrassment I would've had for passing out at the school gym. I also would've been late for work.

I just feel everything spiraling way out of control and I'm so proud and impressed with the way I've been able to at least keep a handle on my restrictive eating. Although, not going to lie, I have been craving homemade mac and cheese like mad.
I'm more than likely getting fucked over at my new job selling insurance, which is a commission only job.
I'm probably going to fail at least one of my classes because Photoshop decided it didn't like my pirated copy.
I'm definitely likely to go to bed not wanting to wake up.

OH! One last thing before I forget! Back in like February/March or something like that, the guy who decided he wasn't "romantically interested" in me, decided that he was afterall. But mostly for sex. And then, Mr. I'm-not-ready-for-a-relationship-and-probably-never-will-be started dating this ugly, I'm talking fucking hideous to a scary level, ass fucking whore after knowing her for a fucking week. Then he told me over drinks two weeks into their relationship after ignoring me because he was too much of a coward to tell me. I was stressed out from work and shit, so I honestly didn't have the energy to be depressed about it. Best part though: that idiot fucked her without a condom or anything and got the fucking herpa derp (that'd be HERPES). Then, he broke up with her because the herp is a deal breaker for him and she BEGGED him not to break up with her for 5 fucking hours. And then blew up his phone with texts and stuff the next day. Now he's starting to "toy with the idea of being with me".
I think I'll take the douchebag route and kind of string him along as long as I can (he kept me on the hook for 14 months), take all the compliments he gives me, and accept any presents. Then, start dating someone else and ignore him for two weeks before telling him.

Anyways, my beautiful fellow AnaMia followers, stay strong!

<3 Layla W.

Sep. 4th, 2012

(no subject)

I don't entirely know what to say. There's so much, and so little, all at once.
The man I love, who I thought would never leave, is no longer "romantically interested" in me.
I know, I know, "woe is me, boy troubles".
This is mostly to just get out my emotions/thoughts so I don't bottle them up and become a serial killer or something.
How do you give a woman so much tender affection, touch her so lovingly, make love, not fuck, and then drop her so suddenly?
I know for a fact there is no other woman. It took months to land the first kiss.
I knew upon my confession that he wasn't interested in a relationship, I knew, and I was fine with it... Because he was so loving.
He summoned such passion and inspiration in a deep part of myself I never knew existed. I did such beautiful art inspired by him. I had such beautiful dreams. Unheard music burrowed deep into my brain, as if my subconscious was writing a symphony especially for him.
He's the greatest man I've ever known. Ever patient, ever kind, ever understanding. He always accepted me, no matter what I told him of my past.
The first time we barely held hands (our pinkies intertwined first), I couldn't get my heart out of my head, it was pounding so hard from excitement. Never before had I felt such an intense connection.
Of course, there was the non-physical connection. Since we met, we've just "clicked". We were best friends first.

I just don't know what to do. With anything.
I feel so lost and broken.
I certainly don't want anyone to fix me, I don't need it. I can do it myself, I just need to figure out how.

I just love him, and I want him to be happy... I just wish that happiness was with me.

Bright side, I want to eat less.
I want to disappear.
I don't want to be here anymore.
Maybe not eating will fix that.

Aug. 23rd, 2012

Intro- yada yada yada

I'm not entirely new to Livejournal and whatnot, but this is a new username.
The point of this one is to try my best to keep on top of my dieting and whatnot.
It will also serve as a place for me to rant/vent/express anything I want, without worrying if friends and coworkers will see it (that was the issue with the last username I found).
This will be just my little secret (and of course anyone on here, but nobody will really know who I am).

So, starters: I want to be thin. Beautifully thin. I want to look graceful. I want my body to look like it can dance in the rain without getting wet. I want to be about 105 if I can push myself enough.

Right now, I'm averaging about 154ish, so quite a ways to go. However, I used to weigh 210, so I think I'm doing pretty well so far.
I want to fall back into my old habits; controlling every morsel that passes my lips, purging when I've eaten far too much, fasting, the works.
I need that control more than ever right now.